


Heal Thy Burgers (a.k.a. Pretentious or Not?)

by winnister



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Exactly What It Says on the Tin, Food, Gen, No Plot/Plotless, Pretentious Burgers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:53:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23876485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winnister/pseuds/winnister
Summary: Jason, Tim and Damian have burgers for lunch. That's it. That's the plot. The burgers may be pretentious. Jason may secretly like this. Damian may care. Does Tim care?
Relationships: Jason Todd & Damian Wayne, No Romantic Relationship(s), Tim Drake & Damian Wayne, Tim Drake & Jason Todd, Tim Drake & Jason Todd & Damian Wayne, Tim/Damian if you squint
Comments: 8
Kudos: 150





	Heal Thy Burgers (a.k.a. Pretentious or Not?)

**Author's Note:**

> Completely unbeta-d. Will I fix any mistakes pointed out? Maybe, not sure how dedicated I am. I think this is a General rating? No pairing, maybe Damian/Tim if you squint. (Excessive) Descriptions of food.

Jason curiously examined the burger in front of him. Next to him, Tim was doing the same except with an even more concerned expression, as though uncomprehending the meal placed before him.

Healthy Burgers, the newest fast-food joint in town, claimed to serve the healthiest rendition of the well-loved burger. The serving before them had the components of a burger, seeded bun, meat patty and cheese. But how was the lettuce still looking so crisp-fresh? The beef patty had depth and volume instead of the usual pancake impression, and the relish decorating the sides had the glisten of “just-made-today” rather than “congealed-in-oil”. The whole thing was served on a wooden platter board – to coin a phrase, it looked like it leaped off a poster Genuine™.

He caught Tim’s eye, the other showing the same cautious face. “Alfred is still at the Manor, right?” Tim asked, hesitant as though not sure why he’s asking such inane questions. “Bruce didn’t cut his salary and cause him to take up a part-time job?” Jason understood where he was coming from – the burger just served was so pretentious Jason almost wanted to throw bread and board on the ground, stomp on it and shoot the damn thing into squishy pieces so that it resembled the usual junk food burger. There’s no way a quality evolved-sandwich like this came from a fast-food joint, no matter how healthy the restaurant claimed to be.

Only Damian, sitting across from them, was eating normally, though normal was relative. He was just like his dad, slicing through the burger with his personal dagger knife and maneuvering cut pieces with a fork. Trust the little demon to arrange their meeting here. When Jason demanded they meet somewhere that served burgers, he was wanting greasy bacon and artery-blocking junk. It had been a long week, and what was the point of eating out if the outside food was healthy? He could make that himself (if he had time, and the safehouse-of-the-week had a functionable kitchen).

Damian of course, had chosen **a** vegetarian option. This place had more than one vegetarian burger. What kind of burger is a Field of Mushroom anyway? The menu – what fast food restaurant had a menu with five lines of description for each item? – claimed the patty was a combination of Swiss brown and portobello mushrooms with beetroot, with three types of vegan cheese melted on top and an avocado-infused olive oil dressed leaves. Jason knew those words, knew that they were words. What they were doing arranged in the same sentence he wasn’t sure.

“If you are both quite finished with your dramatics? Eat? We don’t have a lot of time.”

Damian interrupted his thoughts, his face somewhat pinched, hands still clutching his cutlery but now resting gingerly against his own wooden board. His burger was almost gone. Jason briefly wondered if the Field of Mushroom was better than his HotBird, and considered swiping the rest of the youngest’s burger.

“It was within your reasonable calculations that we would need time to accustom to… different experiences, like burgers that look fake.” Tim quipped. He had finally started on his Sir Truffle, having gotten over his initial reluctance, and was wolfing down bite after bite. “This place makes the greens taste just as good as the patty. Not a bad choice.”

Maybe Jason should have ordered the Sir Truffle instead. Tim made it look delicious. Or maybe Jason was just more than a little hungry and should start eating his own burger.

“I figured your digestive system would appreciate a little more fibre,” returned Damian. “They make deliveries as well, should you ever need after work sustenance.” He had been oddly considerate to Baby Bird in the last months, without the usual ire of their relationship from younger years. Jason wondered if Demon Spawn was conscious of his own tempered interactions with Tim. Jason wondered if Tim _cared_.

Jason should stop wondering and eat his tasty burger.

He ate calmly, enjoying the flavours and textures in contemplative silence, eyes browsing the establishment’s décor and enjoying his rare afternoon off. Even as the other two finished their own food and started debating the best way to celebrate Dick’s upcoming birthday and what present to prepare, he continued munching the last of his burger, to the last bite, licking from his fingers the last of the tart relish. Healthy Burgers did indeed Heal Thy Burgers.

“Do either of you want fries?” Jason started to rise from his chair. He asked out of courtesy more than anything.

Damian glanced at him, distracted from his intense discussion with Tim about the merits of the Trampoline Sky Dome over the Escape Room. There was a half-grin wavering about his lips, a millimetre off his usual smirk. “The zucchini fries with herbed mayonnaise are palatable.”

Zucchini fries. Jason wanted to roll his eyes, or kick the cushioned couches they’ve been sitting at, or anything to express his frustration. Zucchini fries. Why did that have to sound so good? “I’ll grab the share plate.”

He left the younger two to their own not-dance, preparing to work his way through the menu. Maybe he’ll bring the Outlaws here next time they had a break. Who was he kidding, there was no maybe, he’s dragging them here the earliest chance they get.

**Author's Note:**

> Healthy Burgers is fictional, but Grill’d Burgers does exist and is an Australian burger chain that serves pretentious yet delicious burgers on wooden boards. Their menu does indeed include burgers with names like Sir Truffle, HotBird, even Garden Goddess and Baa Baa Burger. As of date of writing, Field of Mushroom has been removed from the menu which is very sad because it was a delicious burger. 
> 
> Grill’d does indeed have posters with "Healthy Burgers" as a slogan, except the spacing of the phrase has “Healthy” spaced over two lines with no hyphenation, hence it looks like the poster slogan says “Heal Thy Burgers”.   
> This piece of fiction was not sponsored by Grill'd Burgers unfortunately.
> 
> I like to think Jason is secretly a foodie, and hates that he likes pretentious foods and ingredients. I like to think that Damian knows, and is also secretly a foodie and wants to brotherly-bond with Robin #2. I like to think that Tim just needs more fibre in his diet, and Damian wants to make sure he’s eating properly.  
> I haven’t had a burger in a while and am hankering for good food. 
> 
> I’m still learning and experimenting on how to write BatFam dynamics, and my writing style is heavily influenced by fiction I’m currently reading. (It’s also my first fanwork in like…a decade. Rather rusty.) Thanks for reading!


End file.
